


Everything that kills me make me feel alive

by Dhely



Category: All New X Factor
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2458769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhely/pseuds/Dhely
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the Pietro of "Perfection", when he was saved by Magneto.<br/>So, it's an AU, mine AU.<br/>I wanted to write about Pietro as a boy when that to which he was forced pained him more (I think Pietro is particularly nice when he's suffering!.. yes, I'im bad..), then Thatssocreepy asked me for a song fic.<br/>"Counting stars", he tells me.<br/>So here I am.<br/>I hope you like it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything that kills me make me feel alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thatssocreepy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatssocreepy/gifts).



_I see this life_   
_Like a swinging vine_   
_Swing my heart across the line_   
_In my face is flashing signs_   
_Seek it out and ye shall find_   


The moon is full. Full moon, full night.

I’m tired.

Deadly tired.

Wanda is sleeping in her bed. A great, real bed, with clean sheets: it is much more than what I have ever been able to give her.

I look at her, she is beautiful, she always has been. I love her, as always, and I wanted to..

It doesn’t matter.

Now I’m home: home is where my sister is.

I wanted to give her more, and better. I could have had the strength and the courage to go further.

I failed.

And now even breathing is difficult. In the silence, into this void, it is difficult to breathe and to accept… tolerate myself.

It doesn’t matter.

I lock the door. I don’t want someone from the Brotherhood comes here. It is her room, she should be more careful: how I can protect her when I’m not here?

I approach the bed. She was waiting for me.

I feel like a weight in my heart: yes she was waiting for me before falling asleep. Maybe she was worried, she always is when she doesn’t know where I am.

Now I’m here. She doesn’t have to worry about me, I’ll always be with her, I will never stop thinking about her. We’re twins, we’re bound together, we will always be together.

We could not be any other way.

I could not exist without her.

“Pietro?” a muffled whisper.

“I’m here.”

She smile, sleepily.

“Come to bed, it's late.”

“I need to take a shower, but I do it in a hurry, promise. Then I can sleep with you?”

She laughs a little.

“What a fool you’re! Sure you can, wherever you want to sleep?”

I have a room, a bed, but I never use it. We’re not used to stay away from each other for too long. I don’t sleep well without her at my side. I hate sleeping alone, and she.. I think she knows it and lets me do it.

Sometimes I want to tell her everything. I wish she hug me and tell me that everything is fine, that she doesn’t care what I’m, and what I’m doing. That she loves me as before, that this doesn’t change anything, and she knows that if I were stronger I would find another way.

Sometimes I wish she finds it out on her own, I wish she could read it in me, just as if some signs could appear on me to tell her what I cannot do.

Why am I always so cowardly?

_I feel something so right_   
_By doing the wrong thing_   
_And I feel something so wrong_   
_By doing the right thing_   
_I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie_   
_Everything that kills me makes me feel alive_

I’m tired.

I feel dirty.

I feel used and drained and exhausted.

The hot water on the skin is a wonderful feeling: the shower is a luxury, how we have done without it, Wanda and I?

The hot water, the white vapor. My skin reddens under the powerful stream. It seems to me that the breath becomes deeper, more easy. I feel good, relaxed and peaceful.

All the dust of the day glides into the drain, with the feelings of those hands on me. Their touch, their bodies..

I shivered. A deep and slow shiver, something dark and horrible.

Why am I lying? I’m too tired to lie again. Or I’m only dreaming and it isn’t real.

It doesn’t matter.

I don’t care.

I close my eyes.

Something that would be horrible, but it is not.

I touch lightly my hips.

My skin is soft and smooth. The man today said me that there are few women with a skin as silky as mine is. That man told me I’m beautiful.

That he loves me.

That he would do anything for me.

I feels his hands on me, stroking my back, his lips kissing my neck.

He looked at me and smiled.

I feel a hot, deep shiver.

The other man kissed me.

I feel his lips on me. His hands on my body.

I feel something closing my throat.

I try to open a bit my eyes under the stream  of water: I let go of control over my body, I see the world sway slowly and then slow down, and then freeze. I see the drops motionless in the air. I see the splashes, firm and precise as smudges of ice. I see the steam as a paint in the air and against the tiles.

I breath.

And more.

I do not have to run to be fast. I'm fast even standing still.

I’m free, now. I’m happy.

Those men are holding me down. They keep me here, they make me heavy. They make it hard to run away, to move.

It’s like to be covered with pitch.

I shudder.

Their harm clasps me. I choke.

The world starts to move, or it’s me that slow myself down.. I close my eyes under the hot water running on me.

I feel suffocated.

It’s wrong.

Everything is wrong.

I should hate them, but I cannot.

I hear my little, muffled moan. I feel my desire. I still feel the smell and I feel excited and ready.

I wish they were here. I wish they wring me, and pushed me down, and force me and broke me.

I cannot breathe.

My head is spinning

I feel so good.

It’s me.

They hurt me. They make me cry and beg. They.. and I came. Every time. I have an orgasm every single damned time they fuck me.

I press my palm against the white tiles.

I remember my moans.

Why?

Why do I feel dirty and messy after sex? It’s not true. It’s my fault. That’s me.

I like it.

I wish they were here with me. I wish they were here to hit me, to destroy me. I wish they tore off that something makes me desirable.

And yet.. I seem to melt. I would melt and be nothing.

I would being able to leave Wanda, forget my power, my past. My life. Forget the crap I am.

It’s so easy to spread my legs and let them do what they want. It’s so good, and..

I would being able to die.

I open the cold water.

I stood there, motionless, under the icy water. The cold becomes discomfort and then pain. I stand.

_I feel the love_   
_And I feel it burn_   
_Down this river every turn_   
_Hope is our four letter word_   
_Make that money_   
_Watch it burn_

We did not possess anything but a family. Love, two parents. We were happy.

Then came the darkness and the fear. Then came the fire and there is nothing left but to flee, noting but run away from the world, from all over.

But we are twins. We are together, forever. There is my sister, my life. My everything. There is no other than her.

I have to be with her. We must stand together to protect each other.

I love her. And she loves me, even though she doesn’t know who I am.

Maybe Magneto is right: maybe I can actually get better than this, more stronger, more powerful. Maybe I can stop being what I am now. Maybe I become someone Wanda will not be ashamed of.

Maybe..

I’m shuddering.

I close the water and wrap myself into the towel. I’m frozen.

I need her. I need her warmth, her presence near me. She is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart.

I put on a shirt too big for me, a waste of someone. It doesn’t matter. Under my barefoot the stone floor is almost tepid in comparison with my skin.

In the room Wanda opened the small window.

I slip under the covers, she smiles at me, and caress my  arm.

“Pietro! You’re icy cold!There was no hot water?”

I let her hug me, I close my eyes.

I feel good, now.

It cannot happen anything wrong when I’m with Wanda. She makes me feel a better person just by her being here with me.

I warm up slowly.

She smiles.

“Do you want I shut the window?”

“No, I like to think of being free.”

These walls, these rooms, this place is overwhelming and gray and distressing. Being able to open a window looks like a blessing: we always slept out under the stars, and although here it is more comfortable and warm, sometimes I seem to choke.

Wanda feels the same.

"Sometimes I miss the stars, the sky. You remember those summer nights when we raised our eyes and saw the bright sky? And the moon .. sometimes it seems to me that since we are here in so many things have ceased to exist.”

“But we have this window.”

She nods then sighs.

“Sometimes, Pietro, I would like to live in a big city, like one of those we see on tv. With so many people, the shops, so many things to do.  Can you imagine it? Going to the theater, cinema, dressing well as those ladies that we see in the newspapers, and you’d accompany me, and you’d be so beautiful that all the girls want to go out with you.. and no one who wants to hurt or to kill us. It would be wonderful. I would have so many friends and a lot of clothes, too. And the jewels! It would be a dream.”

A dream.

I don’t know what would be a dream for me. I know that I would be happy to see her  happy, but I don’t think being able to realize her desire.

If I were more powerful. If I had more.. it seems to me that something is wrapping around my throat.

I think back to that man, one of the two I met today. He always beg me to run away with him. He tells me that he would give me money, a lots of money. That he would buy me a house, a villa, and he would give me so many things that I would never need anything for a lifetime. That he would make me rich if I was always with him. He talks about things that I don’t even understand what they are, but I know that if I were rich, Wanda would be, too. She could live in a big city and have all the clothes and jewels and friends and everything she wants.

Maybe I could ..

She hugs me, sweetly, putting her head on my shoulders.

“But I don’t want this.”

“What, Wanda?”

_Lately I been, I been losing sleep_   
_Dreaming about the things that we could be_   
_But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard_   
_Said no more counting dollars_   
_We'll be, we'll be counting stars_

“Your pain.”

“I’m not..”

She looks up at me. His eyes are clear and beautiful. Splendid.

It hurts my heart how much I love her.

I would do anything for her. I would die for her. I'd kill for her. For me there is no hope, but she is different. She is ..

"I feel your pain, we are twins, it always happens that way. It has long been going on, since we got here has become so strong.. You're not fine, and now I said something that made you suffer. I’m sorry.”

She touches my face.

“It's not your fault. It’s .. I do not know. That's my fault. I would like to..”

I will continue to talk but I cannot. How can I tell her what I am? What I feel? What I fear?

She is my sister, we are united, connected in a special way, but I will not .. I cannot tolerate I revolt her.

I would so much be stronger and better! Be someone to be proud of!

“No, it’s not your fault. – she’s sweet. – Nor mine. We are doing our best, we both training a lot, and you alone are paying Magneto for saving us.”

“Everything has a price, Wanda. Even our dreams.”

She looks at me, and kisses my cheek.

“ I do not like you go on a mission without me, but I understand that you cannot challenge an order.  However I will not let you pay for my dreams. We’re twins. We will always be together, and if we are not together in that dream, well, there will be neither of us. We will build another dream for both.”

“Maybe there is no dream within our reach.”

She smiles, turning into my embrace, her back against my chest.

We both look out the window, that little sliver of dark sky full of stars.

“It will not matter if we haven’t a dream only for us, the stars will stay. There will be enough, as long as we remain together.”

I kiss her hair, soft and fragrant.

Everything will be fine as long as we remain together.

_Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly_


End file.
